Chapter 13: Oh, was it Kidnapping? It was Kidnapping. I forgot. My Bad.

As it turned out using only eight people, you could surround someone fairly well in an alleyway.

The mean looking turnip, Davis was his name, was a ‘right side up’ vegetable person, which meant that the pointy tip his body split into two points for legs and his arms and hands were leafy fronds growing from the top of his headbody.

In these leafy fronds he held a brown stone club that was roughly the same size as his body. As vegetable people go, he wasn’t the freshest looking, not that his comrades were much better.

There was a scruffy looking rebcubre, who on the whole was looking a bit more monkey-like than ape-like. She wore the pale skin of some unfortunate animal, the skin had clearly seen better days. She had a remarkably pretty eye though. It was however at odds with her scruffiness. She held no weapon, but then rebcubres have some fairly good natural weapons.

An armoured bat was trying to look cool and ominous, but he wasn’t doing well because his armour was quite badly rusted, it was likely he either couldn’t afford to take care of it, didn’t know how or just didn’t care. Him being short and dumpy didn’t help his image problems either. Curiously he like the rebcubre bore no weapon.

One of the goons was a rock, rather than a rock. He was quite a tall rock, his name was uninterestingly Tall. To separate himself from other people called Tall, he called himself Blunt Tall. He was quite blunt, being a well rounded individual. To separate himself from people called Blunt Tall he called himself Black Blunt Tall, or B2T. If there was anyone else who called himself or herself that, it was possible he would fight for possession of the name. Interestingly he has had two such fights in his lifetime, he lost both times but continued to use the name B2T, because he is without honour.

There was a gingerbread woman wearing an icing dress that was just a bit too tacky. She had no footwear and she had traded away her dress’ candy buttons back when she first came to Cozzlanga. Someone had thought lemon curd would make for good hair for a ginger-bread person. It didn’t, at least not for her. Her lips were red icing and her eyes were just two plain drops of chocolate. She did however have on her hands a pair of rhubarb rock boxing gloves. She traded her buttons for them and with them made her living.

A pair of blokkits in wooden armour were holding up a two-man crossbow that while powerful looking also looked like it shouldn’t, mechanically speaking, work. It was probably at a disadvantage given how it was all right angles. Both of the blokkits were carrying rock cubes in cubical baskets. Was it really a crossbow if it used square rocks?

Finally giving off a curiously leader-like aura was a reddish horse. The horse wore a few purple scaly belts, a some green plaid strips of cloth and a brown bowler hat. His black mane was luxurious and like a deep abyss, his ample flowing fetlocks were likewise impressive. He was really quite oddly well kept given the nature of his companions. He wielded a two-handed orange metal frying battlepan, the weapon of choice among adventurers.

*Neiiiiigh*

“Well Davis, it appears we have her at a disadvantage, you were right to call us, she looks valuable, and I’ve been hearing rumours about something going down at the Goldie mansion, there might even be a bounty out” The horse said.

“I usually make good calls, Eadam” Davis said proudly.

“I seem to remember us getting whooped by some mage-cat recently, a cat that you marked for us” The full-armoured bat remarked dryly, or at least he tried to sound dry but he just came off as squeaky.

B2T rumbled. “Cut the drama Alfreed, it was an honest mistake”

B2T loomed ominously over Golbassy. “Right dame, what’ll it be, you coming quiet-like or…”

“…do we have to get a bit rough?” the rebcubre giggled.

Golbassy got the feeling those two had practiced that line.

One of the blokkit twins groaned.

“Do you have to do that every time we hold someone up for something?”

“It gets a bit old” The other admitted.

A snerk came from the gingerbread woman.

“Hey, I heard that! You always laugh at our complaints Sachserime, you are a mean nasty woman!” a twin whined.

Golbassy and Habi were considering that it was possible they could just slip away.

“It always happens because your reactions to Mobby’s routine never gets old. Heed and Hood, I love you guys, but aren’t we forgetting something important?” Sachs said.

She locked eyes onto Golbassy and Habi who had started to try and sneak away.

*Neiiiiiiigh*

Eadam shook his mane, sparkles flowing out, those less vulnerable to reality distortions would have realised it was actually dandruff. Eadam had a serious problem. His efforts to combat it had been mostly futile. Some days he didn’t even want to get up out of his hammock.

“Thank you Sachs, we almost lost sight of something important there.”

There was a pause. Habi wished she was back home with Golbassy reading a book.

“Tonight is casserole night.” Eadam said plainly.

There was a chorus of joy from most of the thugs and a few sentiments of ‘oh wow I completely forgot’. They loved casserole night, it was one of the main reasons they stuck with Eadam.

“I hate you guys” Davis muttered.

Golbassy almost considered giving him a sympathetic look. Sometimes a kidnapper just couldn’t catch a break. Habi having a bit of a mean seam, was beginning to enjoy the antics of the would be kidnappers.

“Eh? What was that Davis?” Alfreed questioned.

“I said I love casserole, now are we going to kidnap this girl or not?” Davis said, barely keeping his temper.

“I don’t know Davis.” Hood said.

“You don’t know if we are going to kidnap her? Are you mad? Of course we are! It was a figure of speech! I was getting impatient, blockhead!” Davis hissed.

“Hey, that’s mean, and my brother meant was what you muttered seemed too short for what you said louder.” Heed explained carefully.

Golbassy would have tried escaping, but Sachs was watching with an amused look on her face as she listened to her gangmates.

“Ah. Sacky wasn’t talking about casserole night!” Mobby said, looking as if a profound spiritual revelation had come to her.

“She was talking about how that merchant who sells cheap belts is coming back here soon!”

There was a stunned silence, though Sachs was trying hard not to laugh.

*Neiiiiiiigh*

Eadam struck a pose and gave Mobby a thumbs up.

“Splendiferous! I had also totally forgotten about that, my other belts are kind of worn down, and I’ve been wearing these ones too often!”

Davis nested his face in the palm of a leafy frond. He willed himself not to sob in frustration.

“Wait, how does a merchant make a living selling cheap belts?” Habi objected.

“She is a thing like me, doesn’t need to eat or sleep, she says selling belts is fun” B2T explained.

“Is she really a merchant then?” Habi questioned.

“Whaaa? she told you it is fun? She told me that she was under a curse!” Alfreed complained.

“She told you that because you are really gullible Al” B2T said without softening the blow.

Alfreed slumped dejected.

*Neiiiiiigh*

“Wait, I just remembered something else!” Eadam proclaimed.

Davis decided at this point to ignore Eadam. He turned to Golbassy and Habi.

“Look dame, you can surrender or you can get knocked on the head and captured anyway. What’ll it be?”

Golbassy looked defiantly at the kidnappers, she then sheepishly muttered into her robe.

“I choose neigher… *ahem* I mean neither! Instead if you don’t serve under me, I’ll subjugate you all and you’ll serve me anyway!” Habi announced with confidence.

“Aw man, I don’t want to be subjugated, maybe we should just leave?” Alfreed worried.

“Relax Al. She can’t do that, she is just bluffing” Sachs said.

Sachs said that, but Golbassy settled into a stance, and slid out a pair of books that she had hidden in Habi into her hands.