Chapter 1: Tough Snaps and the Pile’s Problems

“The name’s Snaps, Tough Snaps. If I had a gal, she’d call me Snappy, so I’d like to think. I’m an investigator for hire, I look into things that people want me to, mainly for the money. I guess you could say I’m a kind of specialised adventurer. I’d say I’m the best in Elcon, but while I’ve never heard of another investigator in our cold land, I’m sure there are more than enough mysteries and missing pets that I’m not the only poor sap who thought of putting his wits to work out on this stuff.

Yeah, Ol’ Snaps, is a poor sap, and I mean really poor, I barely got two krells to rub together. Business has been slow, been slow since I started, maybe Elcon isn’t ready for investigators. So, I was there in my office, wondering if I’d have to go back to my old adventuring gig. Let me tell you I didn’t like that thought much, for a tasty guy like me, dealing with things that’ll think of eating me is not my idea of a good time.

Still, everything changed when the dame came in with the case…”

The doors of ‘office’ remained closed, nobody came through. It was in fact not an office at all, but rather a tiny living room of house, a living room that also doubled as a hallway to the two other rooms that the building had. The muffled sound of a Saxophone could be heard coming from one of the doors. The couch was a sad affair, a deflated sack of bleached leather with brittle wooden bones and straw stuffing that was poking out from holes there and there, moving around with vitality it shouldn’t have had. It was not so much that the couch was alive, as it had gained life, then death and finally undeath.

Along with this was the second object in the room, a table. It was an astoundingly generic looking table, four legs, four corners, not even the slightest bit of ornamentation. Its blandness was an affront to the senses, it made one feel less like a person just looking at it. This baleful table stood out like a sore thumb in the drab run down room with it’s peeling walls and savaged couch.

Tough Snaps was actually proud of it, as it had not a single blemish on it. He valued this, even though the table had a unerring ability to trip you up, even when you think you’ve cleared the corners.

Tough Snaps himself was not at all as run down or as shabby as his room, though his coat of licorice was a bit chewed at the coattails. His fine licorice hat was also missing a bite sized amount from it, whatever had bitten it had really jagged teeth.

If Tough Snaps had not been a gingerbread man it was completely likely he would have been as run down as his home. As it was, he was quite a fresh looking example of his kind, what with his fine icing shirt and its big white chocolate buttons. His mouth and hair were both of a dark chocolate, while his eyes slices of some blue boiled sweets. His trouser were toffee, and sometimes a bit too stiff.

If there was a feature he was particularly fond of it was his shoes, made of green gum.

In Tough Snaps’ baker’s dozen, from which he was baked, he was the only one with green gum shoes. He had however been baked a bit too long, and thus you could say he was hardbaked. He and his brothers and sisters had been made by an independent baker though, not being from the legendary Honey Factory, like most gingerbread folks, so being a bit lower quality was to be expected. Tough Snaps had fond memories of his time serving that baker who had almost been like a father to him and his siblings.

“…still, everything changed when the dame came in with the case” Tough Snaps repeated.

Nobody came though the front door, instead the door to the right of the couch creaked out begrudgingly. A fox who’s head hair was quite curly popped her head out, she was also missing an ear.

“Hey Mistah Snaps, can you keep it down, I know you’ve got your condition and all, but I’m trying to come up with a new song, also that’d be the fifth time you’ve done that spiel today!” She yapped.

She pulled her head back and closed the door, or at least began pulling on the unwilling thing to eventually get it closed.

“That was my assistant, Oranna.” Snaps began, mumbling.

“Used to be a musician, part of a band. She threw her lot in with mine one night that we encountered each other, for me it had just been another day, but for her, it was the night that the rest of her band were taken out by big killer sausages at an auction gig gone wrong. I tracked down the foodmage that ruined her musical career for her. She’s stuck with me since then, If I’m being honest, she brings in more money by playing music all about this seedy town of ours, Cozzlanga. I’m impressed by her, when I first met her, she couldn’t look at an instrument without screaming and having flashbacks. She can play her saxophone great now, still got a phobia of sausages though. Dame’s got grit”

Tough Snaps had a defect since baking, a rare form of monologuing, a bit different from the kind that often afflicts villains at the height of their power. Still, those with auto-narrativism were generally thought of as honest types, if only because keeping a secret or sneaking up on people was hard when you had a tendency to compulsively self narrate. Tough Snaps didn’t have the worst case of it a denizen could have, for one he often got away with not narrating actions.

Tough Snaps was thinking about settling down for a nap and thus avoiding any possibility of disturbing Oranna when the front door burst open and a blubbering distressed pile of furs waddled in. A veritable rainbow was before Snaps, and he found himself glad that the only lighting in the room was a dull blue liquid crystal lamp.

Tough Snaps could not make out what manner of creature the prismatic pile was.

“Still, everything changed when the dame came in with the case!” he muttered triumphantly.

“So, I says to the dame, hey what’s the problem, doesn’t matter, with Tough Snaps on the case, your problem is as good as solved”

“Oh splendid” An opulent rich voice sounded from within the furs. “You are such a dear! I’ve had so much trouble trying to get some help, like you wouldn’t just know! All of the places I’ve gone to have pretended I’m not there! Its gotten me in quite a tizzy, let me tell you”

“It was about then I was getting worries about the case, but we were hard up for cash, so the starving jaggy will eat even the nasty scraps” Snaps muttered.

He walked over to the right door, and rapped on it.

“Hey Oranna we got a client! Break out the last bottle of honey drink would you”

There was a crash as Oranna was unbalanced by the oddity of a client actually appearing.

Tough Snaps offered the fur covered denizen a seat on the couch, which she took after a bit of a pause.

“So uhh…”

“I trailed off, wondering if the dame would give me her name” Snaps muttered.

“I’m Serelotte, but you can call me Seri, darling” She said.

“The name seemed familiar to me, though I was sure I’ve never met the dame before” Snaps whispered.

“Well, how can I help you Seri”

The pile tittered at being called Seri.

“Oh, it is just terrible Sappy dear! That beastly jewel was stolen and now there is all kinds of horrible accusations flying here there and everywhere! The peace has been utterly destroyed, I want you to investigate and find the true thief and then the matter will be closed and shut and we can all get on with our lives!”

“I already said that I’d accept, so I asked the dame how much she was going to pay and where this jewel was stolen from” Snaps said.

The pile tittered again.

“My, you have such an odd way of speaking sometimes, but I’m quite at the end of my tether, so you’ll have to do, so here, I’ll give this now…” The dame pulled out a glimmering white gem, about the size of her hand which was smaller than Snaps’ hand.

Snaps had to keep himself from just snatching up the gem there and then.

“…and a large rainbow gem if you find the true thief!” She said.

“Now, as to where, why that’d be at the Goldie Mansion, I am after all Serelotte Goldie, wife of Gildenstan Goldie”

There was a crash, as Oranna, who had just come in, wearing her usual black and white pinstripe dress, dropped both the bottle and the cups she was carrying.

“Gildenstan Goldie, he is what you’d call the big cheese of Cozzlanga, he’s the richest in the city, and probably a bunch of other places, a hard guy, a sharp business man, they say he always gives a fair price, even when someone doesn’t want to sell, he’s made a habit of forced transactions. Many denizens have run afoul of him, losing their prized possessions and being left with a sack of krells in return.” Snaps murmured.

Seri’s attention was not on Snaps, so she didn’t take in his babblings, no she was looking at Oranna. There was a squeal from Seri.

“Oh my Gosh! You are Oranna! From the Most Wanted! I am like your biggest fan ever! Whatever happened to you guys, what are you doing in a total dump like this? You should come play at the mansion!”

“The rest of the band was eaten by killer sausages at the auction your husband tried to hold” Oranna said.

“Oh… that’s so sad! Tragic, forced to work under a deadbeat slob who talks funny to make ends meet!” Seri blubbered.

“Hey! I protested”

“Ok, I’ve decided Snippy! I’ll give you an extra gem now, and extra gem if you complete the job and another if Oranna performs at the mansion!”

“Done, I told the dame”

Oranna was going to complain when Seri snapped her hand.

“Awright boys, get’em!” Oranna shouted.

With that a mean looking bear and a snowman burst into the room, neither Snaps nor Oranna got a good look at the goons as they were promptly stuffed into a sack.

“That all Boss Lady?” Growled a voice.

“Naw, Wruty get the fox’s instrument, it should be around somewhere, but be careful you lunk!” Seri commanded.

After a lot of crashing, banging and tripping over the table corners that did not leave Snaps or Oranna in high spirits as to the state their home would be in when they returned, the sack they were in was picked up and they felt movement.

“I wondered if this actually counted as kidnapping”

Oranna tried to get one of Snaps’s arms out of her face.

“Well I’m wondering what’ll happen to us if we can’t find the thief”

Snaps did not want to think about that.