Prologue: The fat but thin Testimony

Well, it was last night, I felt something in the air you see…

Well, yes, of course it couldn’t have been last night and I didn’t feel that sort of thing at all. Honestly man, I was trying to be dramatic!

Facts? Oh bother it all, who is telling the story here, you nasty little baked goods, or perhaps I should call you baked bads, ehehe *snort* baked bads, *snort* ehehehehe.

*Wheeze*

*ahem* Well, anyway it was last night, quite a bit after the evening meal, I was having a bit of trouble with wind. Tir Flaya is a wondrous cook, rather than a cook, perhaps she should be called a magician! I must try to get her to my estate again.

What? Well of course I couldn’t match what he pays her, who could match the wealth of my OH so dear brother-in-law? *snort* No I’m sure I’d be able to offer, ehehe, other incentives. For example my dear badly baked fellow, I could…

I say, how rude, I would get through the story quicker if you didn’t interrupt me so much. You commoners are far too impatient!

Well, as I said, I had a little too much of the stuffed basted cucumber, but really who could have resisted? It would have made a herbivore out of a carnivore, and made their fangs into molars! Ehehe

I decided to take myself to the ungilded room, you know, I don’t quite know why he keeps that room ungilded, the rest of the place is much better for its sheen. Oh well, I should talk, my estate is completely ungilded, though I have these rather fetching tiles made from the shells of all manner of creatures, my hunters caught the beasts just for them.

So, there I was, shuffling about the room, it was of course as it always is, bland apart from that shoddy cabinet that held it. I don’t know why he never kept it more secure anyway, I mean he said there was all kinds of magic protections around it, but now look what has happened. What a mess!

Why was I in the room? My dear badly baked fellow, you don’t mean to tell me that you are finding my honest and pure legitimate self suspect do you?

…

Ah thought not, more than your buttons are worth to be casting such aspersions on innocent witnesses like myself! I don’t care how worried she is, still think it is a whole load of nonsense bringing a fellow like you here. Still, he has allowed it, so I must continue to play along. How he managed to make his fortune I’ll never know.

Well, as I said, I was having some wind problems, that and there was that dreadful row earlier, not that they have the boats to justify it. Ehehe, Ehehe.

…

You don’t appear to be laughing. Perhaps you are not educated enough, after all, the masses are rather dull, you can hardly afford tutors, not that there’d be enough if you could. I shall explain it to you…

What was that? wind? I see you get it too. I didn’t realise gingerbread folk could.

Well, it was a play on words! Hrm.

*ahem*

So, as I said, I was in the room because of my wind and I didn’t want to get caught up in another terrible row, ehehe, boats, ehehe.

So the room that the cabinet resides in, also happens to have nice balcony along with being particularly secluded. The balcony was for my wind you see. Wind for wind, my grandmother always said. Don’t give me that look it is most disturbing, I hardly believe that nonsense, but I was desperate, I had tried everything else I could think of and it still felt like the four winds were playing a game in my stomach.

I took sometime, trying to get my poor container to settle down, alas to no avail and then it began!

Hrm, I dare say it began quite a bit before that, ehehe, but for me it began then. I heard a mighty crash, and startled I bravely dashed into the room, ready to fight for my very life.

…

Didn’t I just tell you not to give me that look?, it is highly disturbing!

…

FINE!

If you must know, I spent a good while cowering in fear for my life, perhaps an hour or so. I didn’t cry out for fear whatever rogue was inside would hear me. Finally I decided to sneak my way back into the mansion proper. I was about half-way to the door, when I felt something pass by.

Don’t start giving me that look again, I’ll tell you straight you horrible creation of the oven, just don’t go telling anyone the exact details! Hrm.

I shrieked, and then ran through the door. It was closed at the time, and no match for my fine body.

DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.

*Wheeze*

It broke right off the hinges, I looked back and caught a glimpse of something blue with a hint of gold. That is all I saw. Now perhaps you could try being a baked good instead of a baked bad and leave me alone.

The whole experience was most thrilling…

Errr… I mean it was unnerving, distressing, yes.