Chapter 39: The Vile Oppressive Scoundrel Knaves Take a Trip Down the River

A rain of furniture is far less lethal when close to something that can command a odd assortment of talented fish and a mutated twipstrider with a tail of very hard rock. Turmeric’s tail crashed against the furniture, sending splinters flying everywhere and as for Loro’s fish, she had a few heavy metal fish juggle the furniture to the riverbank.

“Oh, this is wonderful! We can take these whole ones back to the village” Ismi cheered.

Yerdl decided that arguing about it would not be a good idea, besides, they had to make up somewhat for the loss of the other crate of honey-drink.

“Won’t they just turn back into water?” Kejo questioned uneasily.

Loro stared at her the large fish that had produced the furniture.

The large fish in question was lumpy maroon creature, with uneven scales and a brownish beak that gave it an entirely suspect look. The body of the fish was a round fat circle, with big green brainless eyes on each side. The tail of the fish however, goes at a horizontal position from the body.

This fish is known as a nubleam. This fish is particularly despised by fishers for its habit of cutting nets and line with its beak. It also happens to be completely inedible unless pickled… heavily pickled. It is not known for changing water into furniture.

The fish stared at Loro, and Loro stared back.

Its mouth opened and closed in that manner that fish do, there was however something vaguely insulting about the way this nubleam was acting.

“I really have no idea” Loro said after some thought.

“Well, let’s take it anyway, be careful and don’t place any of it next to the chompers, son” Yerdl warned.

Kejo eyed the bound orange mass sceptically.

“I think we’ll have to move them, they’ve started to gnaw through the caravamel”

With some difficulty they managed to arrange the chompers onto a new part of the caravamel and they placed the furniture that hadn’t been destroyed by Turmeric in such a way that it wouldn’t be gnawed.

“Turm has to pull” Turmeric objected upon seeing the creaking pile of furniture.

“Oh don’t be such a baby, you’re bigger now dear, so you can pull more” Ismi pish poshed.

“Can’t hear” Turmeric said.

“What do you mean you can’t hear? Are you giving me cheek?” Ismi accused.

“Turm hears nothing. Only bliss.”

Imsi was about to get mad.

“Doesn’t he still have earplugs in?” Loro asked.

“Oh he does” Kejo remarked.

Ismi could only helplessly untense.

“Speaking of ears, I want another bad joke before we set off again” Loro said.

Ismi and Yerdl both groaned, Turmeric was still moderately blissful.

* * * * *

One appalling crime against humour and they were back swimming upriver! Everyone who was not Loro felt fifty trees went past far too quickly. Just how big were the mushroom and foolbear forests?

They bobbed on, now and then a terrible joke being unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, fish would from time to time pay their respects to their mistress, Loro. Though some of the talents that the fish displayed the Caralids could have done without seeing, while amazing seeing a fish carve a rock into a fish which another fish would bring to life which another fish would reduce to bones, which another fish would bring to life which another fish would play music on and another fish would turn music into metal weights, was more than a little unerving. Then there was the fish with more obscure talents.

Nobody ever wanted to see a fin move like that again, even Loro looked a bit off and she had taught the fish to do it.

Still, it was a peaceful journey devoid of things dropping from the ceiling forest.

Peaceful that is, until they came across a figure standing on a tall stone jutting out from the jade river. The stone had markings carved on it, serving as a kind of daft signpost.

Equally daft was the figure on the stonepost. It was an otter, an otter decked out in floppy boots, floppy gloves, a massive floppy hat and at his waist a floppy belt which had a floppy sword. The floppy sword had another two blades parallel to the main blade.

“Not this guy again” Loro muttered.

“FEAR NOT MAIDEN OF THE LAKE FOR I MARLEQUANT QU MARLEQUANT WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOUR VILE POTTED CAPTORS!” Marlequant shouted.

“Isn’t this a river?” Yerdl objected.

“SILENCE POTTED SCOUNDREL!”

Marlequant pulled out his floppy sword, somehow managing not to cut himself in the process, following that with a heroic yell he leapt toward Loro and the caravamel. He flopped through the air in a beautiful inelegant arc before falling into the water with an undignified plop a good forty or so metres away from his objective. He floundered about in the water.

“Foiled again by the vile winds! You will not best me, Marlequant Qu Marlequant!”

Marlequant bravely struggled to stay afloat.

“J-just as soon as I free myself from these cloying waters”

Everyone watched silently as with much panting and effort Marlequant struggled back onto the stonepost.

Loro against what little of her better judgement that she possessed took pity on him.

“Marle, these aren’t my captors”

“WHAT? THEN WHO HAS BOUND SUCH A PONDEROUS BURDEN UPON YOUR BACK? TELL ME SO THAT I MAY RUN THE KNAVE THROUGH!”

“They bound it to me”

“What?”

“I gotta business deal with them”

“Oh”

“Yup”

“Dreadfully sorry. No vile opressors restricting your freedoms then?” Marle asked hopefully.

“Notta one”

Marle flopped.

Loro turned her cyclopean eye onto the caravamel crew.

“Well everyone, this is Marle, say hello, then ignore him and we’ll move on!”